Caller-Times Interactive: FEATURE

The downside of online relationships is the false sense of intimacy, psychologists say.

Psychologist Margaret Duffer understands why students would be anxious over exams they haven't taken. But pining for someone they've never met is new emotional turf for university counselors. Many are learning to deal with heartache in the age of online relationships.

As more college students gain access to the Internet, many are finding love behind a computer screen. But for those who dwell in an electronic world, romance can be fraught with disappointment. The breakup of a virtual relationship is no less hurtful than getting dumped by someone on campus, said Duffer, who counsels students at Texas A&M University-Corpus Christi. Students are feeling jilted or abandoned by someone they trusted in cyberspace, she said. Often it's someone they've never spoken to or seen.

Authorities on online relationships say the Internet is a relatively safe and interesting way to make a romantic connection, provided users are cautious about divulging personal information or their whereabouts.

Millions of users on the Internet, an expanding universe of computer networks, converse on real-time chat lines or exchange messages in newsgroups and local bulletin board systems (BBS). These are watering holes along the information superhighway that allow computer users to communicate with one another on any number of topics.

The Internet allows people to correspond with people worldwide. Users make acquaintances they wouldn't normally make without a computer and modem. The potential is great for finding someone with narrow common interests because of the tens of thousands of affinity groups online, said Patrick Michaud, an A&M-Corpus Christi computer science professor.

Anecdotes abound of people who have established committed relationships online. Michaud met his girlfriend on an Internet Relay Chat (IRC). He visits her in California and they maintain daily contact by electronic mail and telephone.

Holly Herrera found love online this semester. The 20-year-old A&M-Corpus Christi junior, who is studying television and film, said she began corresponding with an Italian computer programmer three months ago. They e-mail each other daily and make occasional transatlantic telephone calls. Herrera found her friend on the graphical portion of the Internet known as the World Wide Web. She said she was searching for electronic pen pals.

The downside of online relationships is the false sense of intimacy and unrealistic expectations that are created because of the anonymity of the medium, Duffer said. "Part of the relationship is based on fantasy, meaning the other person lives in the individual's head. The loss of a person that you've been attributing all these desirable characteristics to can be extremely distressing."

Online talk shows have become lightening rods for the virtually scorned. "I receive e-mail from men and women who have been devastated over people they believe were the only one for them," said Gilda Carr, a relationships coach who hosts a Thursday night show on America Online, one of the three major online services.

Net romances lend themselves to fantasy more than in-person relationships, Duffer said. "The only thing they have is words, and even less words than over the phone. You don't have any of the normal cues that you usually get to learn about someone."

E-mail correspondents mimic dismay or delight by typing little sideways smiley faces or frowns on the keyboard: :) or :( Multiple exclamation points reflect excitement. Capital letters is considered shouting. (LOL) is laughing out loud.

The use of keystrokes to communicate the nonverbal in conversation robs people of the richness of human interaction, Duffer said. "A smiley face just doesn't cut it. You don't have a good sense of this person's sense of humor. How sensitive they are to your feelings. How genuine they are. So naturally it leads to problems in terms of intimacy because it limits what can be achieved."

John Prezas, a 19-year-old sophomore psychology student at A&M-Corpus Christi, often collides with the lovelorn when he surfs the net. Like many users, he links to Inter Relay Chats for a real-time discussion or he reads or posts messages to newsgroups that interest him.

Prezas professes no interest in finding love online. "Online relationships are a way to retreat from reality. To see things how you'd like them to be. There's no racial prejudice. Looks don't matter. But there can be a lot of false advertising."

The potential to mislead someone is greater online than in in-person relationships, Duffer said. Oftentimes, with the protection of a computer, people stretch the truth or outright lie about themselves. "In those cases, people could be setting themselves up for a dangerous emotional situation," Duffer said.

Vince Smith, a 22-year-old music education major at A&M-Corpus Christi, said people don't usually live up to their on-screen persona. Smith has flown as far as Iowa and Indiana to visit women he met online. More often than not he is disappointed.

Smith had his first on-line romantic encounter in 1991 through a MUD, or multi-user dimension. The MUD was an online version of Dungeons and Dragons, where 25 to 30 participants play roles by assuming different medieval guises: a knight, a warlock, wizard, a gnome.

Smith recalled receiving unwanted attention from a woman in the MUD. He didn't want to leave the MUD, but the woman kept contacting him, becoming sexually aggressive at times. Her entreaties continued for six weeks. "It's like going to a party and seeing the same person all the time. So you try to rebound and find someone else real quick."

The anonymity of the on-line experience makes users more sexually aggressive, psychologists say. Break ups can be harsh because people lose their civility and inhibitions on line.

Ann, a 28-year-old single woman in Corpus Christi, was insulted by a man she met in cyberspace. After a pleasant online chat under her screen name YnMeDineMe, the man turned ugly when she told him she was heavy set. "Oh gross, you're fat," he messaged her. He lobbed a few more insults then cut her off.

In another chat room, Ann met a man from a Corpus Christi military base. They dated in person for three months then he broke it off. She tried to contact him on-line again but he wouldn't respond to her. Then he fired off a nasty note telling her to "stay the hell out of my life."

"I guess (the breakup is) easier on AOL," said Ann, who wished to remain unidentified. She studied journalism at Del Mar College and is now self-employed. "I don't see the person. It doesn't feel like a real person. Maybe it's just a glorified game I'm playing.

When someone cuts off an intimate e-mail relationship, the other person can feel helpless, Duffer said. They have no way to contact the person after they've stopped writing or responding. Their letters may go unread or get returned. They don't have the recourse of calling the person on the telephone or stopping by their house to talk it over.

The introversion of some computer users makes the breakup of an on-line relationship particularly isolating, Duffer said. "A source of getting their emotional needs met has virtually disappeared.

"People who find this meaningful are sometimes people who find in-person relationships more threatening," Duffer said. "They could have low self esteem or lack interpersonal skills."

Duffer recommends that people in on-line relationships stay as realistic as possible. "Try to keep it in perspective." Anyone upset over love lost should seek counseling, even if it's an online relationship. "It's important to discuss what that relationship has meant to them and why it's become so powerful.

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