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Tuesday, October 23, 2001
Growing up is hard to do - for children and parents

By Maria Coder
Associated Press
NEW YORK - Being the parent of a small child is a lot like being a lifeguard by the pool. "They keep you from doing something reckless and stupid, they keep you from running on wet tile, and then they let the kids swim," explains child psychologist Michael Thompson.
   Thompson, co-author of "Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children" (Ballantine Books), says the notion that parents must supervise their kids at every moment is "garbage." He says parents fall into the trap of wanting to protect their children from every bad situation.
   "It's difficult to watch them make mistakes," but children must stumble in order to grow.
   Perhaps one of the hardest times for parents is when their child goes off into the "real world" - better known as school - and starts developing friendships of his or her own and dealing with "office" - or playground - politics.
   "Some parents are threatened by children moving away from the home," says Anita Gurian, a clinical assistant professor at New York University's School of Medicine and executive editor of the NYU Child Study Center Web site, AboutOurKids.org. Up until elementary school, kids' base of activities and interactions are in the home but it changes overnight once kindergarten starts.
   While families provide children with closeness and a sense of intimacy, friends provide a training ground for problem solving, exploration and discovery, Gurian says. "Without friendships, children really are handicapped in terms of developing emotionally and socially."
   Both psychologists say that friends can also provide a wonderful source of support. Adds Gurian: "They're not a luxury, they're a necessity."
   "In first grade, it's important that your mom loves you but in sixth grade it's important that everyone likes you," says Thompson, whose book delves into understanding the social lives of children.
   Thompson says it's human nature and inevitable to pursue social status. In his book he lists the five "laws" of group life:

Be like your peers.

?You must belong to a group.

?Be in - or be out.

?Find a place in the social hierarchy.

?You must play a role.
   Among his reference points for parents grappling with a child undergoing social pain, he urges adults to be good role models. A parent is a child's first friend, he says.
   Thompson also says a child doesn't have much control over his position on the social ladder since uncontrollable traits, such as physical appearance and talent, are often the determining factors. Although, as kids are quick to point out to him, there's also "nice popular" and "mean popular."

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