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Brooks Peterson

Monday, May 14, 2001
So, all right, technology has its uses

It never fails. After I unburden myself of one of my anti-technology rants (as I did last week) and the red mist begins to dispel, I feel a certain remorse not unlike that of a reformed party animal who falls off the wagon and awakens to find himself wearing a lampshade, mismatched socks and a Nehru jacket.
   So it has been yet again. Helped along by a gentle tweak from a reader, I contemplate the cold gray dawn and feel the shame washing over me.
   A shower of blessings
   Oh, sure, there is always a downside to revolutionary change, technological and otherwise - but consider the ineffable blessings this brave new age has showered upon us.
   I am reminded of this every morning when I sign on to my computer: With one little keystroke, I gain entrée to a new, ever-expanding world of limitless opportunity.
   Just hit the little box at the top right of the screen - the one that says MAIL - and the great leap begins. You can visit exotic places, make interesting (if slightly strange) new friends, and - most important - learn of opportunities you never knew existed.
   Oh, sure, some gloomy-Gus types would have us believe we are living in an age of limits - that the America of endless possibilities is a thing of the past.
   Not a bit of it: There are still fortunes to be made out there, brass rings to be grasped, markets to be cornered.
   Like, say, for instance . . . Money Judgments.
   Now, I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit that until this brave, bright new age of ours, I was only faintly aware of Money Judgments, let alone the fortunes to be made harvesting Money Judgments.
   See, these nice people will teach you how to collect monetary awards that plaintiffs win in court cases but never collect.
   "The result," I read, is that "millions of judgments are just sitting in files and being forgotten."
   So: As I understand it, if I take the course these nice people offer (for a suitable consideration), I will not only be able to enrich myself ("We have associates who have taken our course and are not working full time making $96,000 to over $200,000 per year"), I will be performing a valuable public service!
   I ask you: How are you NOT going to love this country?
   And there's much, much more! For example, an outfit that promises to "Eliminate All Your Major Credit Card Debt, Medical Bills And Unsecured Loans Without Bankruptcy!!!!!!" There may be something in the fine print about consigning my children for indentured servitude for 20 years . . . but doggone it, don't those six (!) exclamation marks give it a nice, convincing ring?
   Do I want a "FREE CELL PHONE???????" Consider it done.
   Or how about this: "HELP PEOPLE LOSE 10 TO 30 INCHES AN HOUR GUARANTEED!" (That one's a bit suspect: to me, that single exclamation mark bespeaks a lack of conviction.)
   Cyber rewards
   But money isn't everything. To those of us who toil out of the spotlight like small burrowing nocturnal creatures, only occasionally noticed and seldom heeded, there are, believe it or not, deeply gratifying psychic rewards to be encountered in cyberspace.
   Like the following: Turns out I have been "recently selected by The Office of The Managing Director for a free listing on The International Executive Guild's CD-ROM."
   I qualify for this signal honor due to my standing as "a highly respected professional in your field of expertise."
   All that other pot-o'-gold stuff is alluring, no error - but what's really warming is the knowledge that the next time someone disses me as a superannuated journalistic drudge, I'll have the perfect, crushing rejoinder: I will fix him/her with a withering glare and inquire acidly, "And I suppose you have a free listing on the International Executive Guild's CD-ROM?"

Brooks Peterson can be reached by phone at 886-3772, or by e-mail at petersonb@caller.com

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