David Sikes

Thursday, January 4, 2001

Singing bass needs to be tossed back

   I sincerely hope each of you got what y'all wanted for Christmas.
   I'm happy to say I got my wish.
   And I have nothing to show for it.
   That's because my desire was to not receive the most vexing gift since the Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia Pet, a certain scaly crooner named Big Mouth Billy Bass, or any of his equally annoying relatives.
   Despite marketing claims, this was not the perfect gift for the outdoorsman on your list.
   Sorry I didn't send out this warning sooner. But then if I had, garage sale shelves would be bare for years to come.
   For those of you fortunate enough to have escaped the audible assault of this ubiquitous battery-operated nuisance novelty, may I wish you a speedy recovery from your lengthy illness. For surely you have been bedridden for some time. Consider yourself lucky.
   Anyway, if you've been sick or out of the country, Billy Bass is a 13 1/2-inch green plastic fish mounted on a plaque. First off, let me say the minimum legal length for bass in Texas is 14 inches, so you have an excuse to release it immediately.
  
   Crooning glory
   The toy fish appears inoffensive enough in its inert state.
   But when activated - especially irking are the ones sparked by motion - Billy's head pivots menacingly toward its unsuspecting audience and lip-synchs the words to one of two tunes in his repertoire, Don't Worry Be Happy or Take Me to the River.
   Allow me to peel away the annoying layers of this mechanical menace. Billy's creepy performance might appear mildly amusing at first, after which its appeal plummets. However, sales did not reflect this level of public disapproval. Go figure.
   By Christmas, Billy's price had gone from about $20 to $7.99. They were leaping off the shelves.
  
   Defiling a classic
   It's like those TV commercials we cringe when watching, but can't turn away from and never forget. This is a particularly loathsome form of evil perpetuated on consumers. I could be wrong. But I doubt many voluntary owners of a Billy Bass have ever set foot on a bass boat.
   On another flat note, perhaps it's appropriate that Bobby McFerin's nails-on-the-blackboard ditty, Don't Worry Be Happy, was resurrected by a singing fish. I can live with a few misguided impulse buyers humming McFerin's 1988 curse once again, at least for a while.
   But did the manufacturer of Billy Bass have to defile a classic?
   The Billy Bass rendition of Take Me to the River will likely be the last in a long line of recordings by such greats as Talking Heads, Canned Heat, Delbert McClinton, Foghat and the song's co-author, Al Green. Such an undignified demise, no mater how much money Gemmy Industries paid Mr. Green and co-writer Mabon Hodges for the rights to their song.
   This is unforgivable.
   As payback . . . er, I mean in the spirit of the holidays, what do you say we grant Billy his wish?
   You name the river.