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Brooks Peterson

Monday, August 13, 2001
Got an issue? Anger is the best medicine

When newscreatures find themselves in a reflective mood - don't worry; it doesn't happen all that often - we may meditate on what would be the absolute best job in journalism.
   Newsies of a reflective turn of mind might want to be, oh, say David Broder, the reigning Wise Man of Washington. Others imagine themselves cutting a swath on the White House beat: Remember Dan Rather sassing Richard Nixon before the assembled press corps?
   At one time or another I've toyed with such fantasies. I've even dreamt of becoming a New York Times editorial writer, tossing off a couple of impeccably crafted, exhaustively researched think pieces every week or two, and lunching in a dining room where the tables are set with starched linen and real silver.
   But that was then. This is now. Now I know what I really want to do.
   I want Ed Anger's job.
   Who's Ed Anger? Ed Anger is the gut-busting, hairy-knuckled, tell-it-like-it-is, rock-'em-sock-'em, take-no-prisoners columnist for the Weekly World News.
   You know the Weekly World News. That wasn't the Atlantic Monthly I saw you thumbing through it at the supermarket checkout, pal. The Weekly World News, as you know, is the newspaper of record for alien sightings, Elvis sightings, and, most recently, Princess Di sightings.
   The WWN is also Conspiracy Central. A sampling: "Democrats plant sexy intern to seduce Bush!" "Feds set to toss millions of Americans into concentration camps!" "Secret gov't (sic) plot to implant biochips into every man, woman and child!"
   Ed Anger is really angry
   But it is Ed Anger who gives the tough-talking tabloid its, uh, distinctive voice.
   Ed Anger is, well, angry. In fact, he is royally ticked off. He is furious. He is fairly frothing at the mouth. And he doesn't care who knows it. Beside him, Rush Limbaugh, Chris Matthews, G. Gordon Liddy, Michael Savage - they're all downright mellow.
   Each eruption of Anger begins with a ritualistic incantation:
   "I'm madder than a TV preacher with a bad toupee over the latest flap at a church down in Texas."
   "I'm madder than a weightlifter with a slippery barbell over all these women bodybuilders I'm seeing nowadays."
   "I'm madder than a snowman in a steamroom over all the moaning and groaning about global warming."
   Ed is not just another chip floating on the tide of the conventional wisdom. He is, in fact, something of a contrarian.
   Ed is not alarmed at a government study finding 70 percent of high school students cheat on exams. Or, rather, he is, but not for the reason you might expect: "Lying and cheating made America great!" is the headline on the piece. "I say if only 70 percent of kids are cheating in school, then we need to do something to teacher the other 30 percent how to get on the bandwagon."
   Paid to calumniate
   But don't even think you can pigeonhole Ed in some kind of ideological niche. He's crazy about the idea of Janet Reno running for governor of Florida: "I think Janet's the only person who can whup Jeb and stop the Bush dynasty before it takes over the whole damn country."
   Nor does Ed Anger shrink from the really tough issues . . . like The Yoga Menace: "Take a look at all the pencil-necks who are so excited about yoga. Not one of them weighs more than 90 pounds sopping wet or has the muscles God has given a 12-year-old."
   It can't be easy being Ed Anger. But think of the sheer joy of being paid - and handsomely, no doubt - to calumniate whomever or whatever gets your goat.
   Meanwhile, the rest of us toil silently, keeping our counsel, guarding our tongues, playing the game, serving our time . . .
   Why, just thinking about it makes me madder than a two-bit hack journalist who just found out somebody swiped the bottle of rye from his bottom desk drawer.
   This is Rick Rage, signing off. You got a problem with that?

   Senior Editorial Writer Brooks Peterson can be reached by phone at 886-3772, or by e-mail at petersonb@caller.com.


Brooks Peterson can be reached by phone at 886-3772, or by e-mail at petersonb@caller.com

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