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Brooks Peterson
Brooks Peterson's column is published Mondays. Brooks also sits on the Caller-Times editorial board and can be contacted at petersonb@caller.com
Monday, November 20, 2000
Anti-pigeon offensive is purest folly
It's entirely possible you've never heard of Ken Livingstone. If that is the case, you will be unaware of the truckload of grief that Mr. Livingstone has bought for himself.
Not to worry: That's is one of the reasons I'm here. Haven't I always been here for you for such things? Better believe I have.
As it happens, Livingstone recently became mayor of London (after a long hiatus in which the office itself had gone into a state of suspended animation). He is known as "Red Ken" to friends and detractors alike: What he is, is an unregenerate left-wing Labor Party politician of the old school.
As such, he is a thorn in the side of Great Britain's trendy, happening prime minister, Tony Blair, who swept into power after years (and years, and years) of Tory rule on the strength of his "New Labor" vision - that is, a vision of a Labor Party purged of its knee-jerk leftism and its unfashionable class-warfare rhetoric.
(Sound like someone we know? Absolutely: Blair is the British Bill Clinton, though - so far - without Clintonian extracurricular shenanigans.)
Blair pulled out all the stops to prevent Livingstone, an embarrassing (to Blair) reminder of Labor's unpalatable past, from winning the mayoralty. The citizens of London, who dote on such fireworks, obliged by voting Red Ken into office by a landslide.
So: As you might expect, Livingstone has been enjoying himself by tweaking the nose of New Labor and generally making the most of his new role.
As so often happens with high-riding politicos, however, Livingstone has fallen victim to hubris. For reasons known but to the man himself, he has embarked on what could prove a disastrous campaign against two of the tribal totems that Britons hold most dear: tradition and . . . pigeons.
Livingstone's comeuppance is taking place in an appropriately historic setting: Trafalgar Square. The mayor has beheld Trafalgar Square, and he is not pleased with what he sees. For one thing, there are those fusty old statues of a couple of 19th-century generals whose martial feats have long since been forgotten by most Brits.
Livingstone offered a modest proposal that they be moved to another site, their places to be taken by statues of Britons "that ordinary Londoners that people from around the world would know." (Like the Spice Girls?) However, some ordinary Londoners, particularly those with military backgrounds, took exception, warning that such effrontery could lead ultimately to the removal of Admiral Horatio Nelson from atop the soaring column that dominates the square.
Ah, but that was just the warm-up to the main event. Livingstone also wants to banish the 35,000 or so pigeons that congregate in Trafalgar Square lately, shamelessly mooching crumbs and other snacks from visitors and tourists alike. For pity's sake, London's municipal government has to shell out $150,000 a year to scrape off pigeon droppings in the area. Why shouldn't the messy, demanding creatures be banished?
The answer, obviously, is: Because this is Britain.
Britons are an enormously forbearing people; they will patiently endure the cluelessness of visitors from the erstwhile colonies (I know: I've been there), and unless provoked unmercifully will show astonishing restraint.
But mess with animals in Blighty, and you're walkin' on the fightin' side of Brits. Dogs and cats are minor household deities. And birds? I mean to tell you: Did you see the story a few days back detailing the queen's efforts to secure new breeding stock for her flock of budgies (parakeets to you)?
You want to mess with these people's pigeons? You want to think again. Hitler, the Kaiser, Napoleon and any number of other world-historic figures have learned to their sorrow the folly of provoking Britons. The Brits may have their own little internecine squabbles, but when it comes to such issues as statues and pigeons, they present a united front.
Before the pro-pigeon forces are reinforced by legions of anti-fox-hunting activists and other pro-animal Brits, Red Ken can still beat a reasonably dignified retreat. Should he persist in this folly, public opinion will do to him what the pigeons have been doing to the statues for generations.
(Brooks Peterson can be reached by phone at 886-3772 or by e-mail at petersonb@caller.com)
Brooks Peterson
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