Nick Jimenez

Sunday, January 30, 2000

Which man would you ride with to Laredo?

The voters in New Hampshire on Tuesday have a very important job. They, along with the folks who went to the Iowa caucuses, will likely be picking the choices for president of the United States.
   I just hope they have the right scale by which to weigh the candidates, a measure by which to judge the temper of the man who will lead the country. We like to think that we judge the candidates by the issues. But you and I know that in the end, we make choices based on gut feelings. Who is this guy and can I trust him?
   I ask a better question: Would I want to ride with this guy all the way to Laredo?
   Now, as anyone who has traveled that route knows, U.S. 44 and U.S. 59, from here to Laredo is a pretty empty stretch of asphalt. We're talking close to 150 miles with nothing much to distract the eye but open fields, brush and cactus. By day, the road is at best tedious. At night, we're talking so lonely that even coyotes travel by the buddy system.
   An amiable traveling companion is not only welcome, but crucial. How would the candidates do?
   Among Republicans, Alan Keyes wouldn't go far with me. Smart, yes. Articulate, yes. But this guy needs to try the decaf. He never uses one word where 20 might do. Overbearing, overexcited and loud. This man speaks only in apocalyptic terms: The nation is going to hell. This can wear very quickly. Traveling with Keyes would be like being kept prisoner in a revival tent. Only without the jokes.
   At least Keyes would make it farther than Gary Bauer. Bauers reminds me of the kid in school who never understood why nobody liked him. If you want to spend maybe three hours with a preachy, sanctimonious prude, Bauer is your man. I can't imagine Keyes or Bauer ever asking, "And what do you think?"
   I figure Steve Forbes would, one, never accept my invitation to get in the car, and, two, would just as soon buy Laredo and move it as go there. Here's a guy whose range of facial expressions ranges all the way from blank to empty. We wouldn't have a conversation. He'd just hand me a stack of position papers. Sorry, I just can't see myself diving into a plate of enchiladas at Jerry's Diner in San Diego while listening to a lecture from Forbes on the wonders of the flat tax.
   That leaves John McCain and George W. Bush for the Republicans. Here are two fellows I figure I could travel with quite well. These are real people. Just think of the wonderful war stories from McCain. And Bush grew up in West Texas where, God help them, the vistas are even emptier. We could talk baseball and Texas. These are guys who can take a joke and tell one.
   And when you're out there west of Freer, where it's hard to pick up anything on the radio, you need someone who can tell a joke.
   Among the Democrats, Al Gore strikes me as cold; two-day-old fish on ice show more warmth. We're not talking wooden, we're talking petrified. Gore's voice delivery is so deliberate, so measured, so mechanical. Batman fills out his suit just as well, but at least he can lighten up.
   Bradley is so aloof and so cool. Earnest, yes. Committed, yes. But isn't there just a hint of condescension when Bradley meets the common folk? On this imaginary trip to Laredo, how many times would the former Rhodes scholar roll his eyes in weariness?
   The acid test would be the inevitable breakdown. On a road where there are few service stations, the flat tire and the blown radiator hose are emergencies that require resourcefulness and the talent of making do.
   What kind of help would I get from my companions? Keyes would examine all the philosophical implications of a busted fan belt. Bauer would lecture me on the moral failures of my unpreparedness. Forbes would have himself airlifted out. Gore would be so stiff he couldn't bend over to get the tire off. Bradley would sniff at the whole mundane affair.
   Nope, it's McCain or Bush. McCain is a man who would know what to do in any emergency. Bush is ready to help anybody in trouble. Of course, he wouldn't actually put on the flat tire. He'd figure the sweat and struggle would build my character. But he'd be compassionate about it.
   (Nick Jimenez can be reached by phone at 886-3787 or by e-mail at jimenezn@caller.com.)
  

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