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Brooks Peterson
Brooks Peterson's column is published Mondays. Brooks also sits on the Caller-Times editorial board and can be contacted at petersonb@caller.com
Monday, April 10, 2000
Of wimpy horns and bumpers that don't bump
As you may know, I tend to be a bit more preoccupied with matters automotive than your average bear. That's just one of the places my inner child lives, and I've long since given up any attempt to bring him under control. Waste of time.
Normally, I keep that out of this space, but there are some auto-related issues that just demand more exposure.
For instance? OK: Why is it that little teeny cars have such wimpy horns?
This came to me during a brief but terrifying interval in which the horn on my venerable MGB decided to go on strike. Nothing major - just took a few days to sort out. During those few days, though, car horns, and the need for them, were very much on my mind.
Even when functioning, the MG's horn is diffident to the point of complete inaudibility. And so it is with virtually every little car. Ah, but the big runners - your S-Class Mercedes-Benzes, your 7-Series Bimmers, your top-o'-line Cads and Lincs and such: They emit the kind of authoritative, even arrogant BWAAAAAP that sends the peasants skittering behind the hedgerows and commands real, if grudging, respect from UPS drivers and monster truck pilots.
In a rationally ordered world, wouldn't it make infinitely more sense to give the most raucous, belligerent horns to the little squirts that have the greatest need? Or am I tiptoeing toward a kind of automotive Marxism here? ("From each according to his ability . . .")
Maybe we'd best leave that one alone, eh?
Right, then. How about this: Whatever became of bumpers?
You know: bumpers. Those appendages on the front and rear of your vehicle that are supposed to take the worry (and expense) out of being close?
See, children, I remember when the feds came up with the daft idea that bumpers should bump. Regs that went into effect in '74 mandated that bumpers should be able to absorb a 5 mph impact without significant damage.
Now, this was not received with universal applause. It resulted in three or four model years' worth of seriously ugly vehicles. (Take a look at the Mercedes-Benzes of the mid-'70s, if you doubt me. We're talking mud-fence ugly, pardners. I think Stuttgart did that on purpose, just to punish us for our effrontery.)
And I was right out there at the barricades with the rest of the resistance, decrying this iniquitous fiat. (Not to be confused with the cars of the same name.)
With me, it was personal. The bumper regs played a key role in the demise of the MGB, in fact. They saddled the pore little thing with big, weighty, cumbersome rubber bumpers that destroyed its looks and, because of the need to jack up the whole car to meet bumper-height specs, wreaked havoc with its handling.
However . . . with the passage of time, the carmakers worked around the regs and turned out decent-looking vehicles with rugged bumpers. Our ancient Bimmer has chrome railroad ties front and rear that have taken considerable punishment. A car-boat collision (long story) did leave the front bumper skewed ever so slightly, but I try to convince myself that it gives the car a rakish, devil-may-care look.
In recent years, however, the feds have backed off. As a result, some of these babies can't take anything more consequential than a love pat without suffering hundreds of bucks' worth of damage. They're gorgeous, no question, with their seductive chrome smiles and their lissome curves, but, come on, how good are they going to look after a close encounter with a '60 Chevy Biscayne?
Do I have a solution? Of course. Seems to be the stylists should be given a free hand with roadsters, pony cars and other sporting iron - but couldn't we restore some protection to the sedans, wagons and minivans that, however tidily they may be designed, are never going to be centerfold material?
I could go on - and perhaps will, later. (I haven't even mentioned those blinding new blue-white headlights.) For the time being, just meditate a bit on these two issues. I'll take up your papers next week. Meanwhile, happy motoring.
Brooks Peterson
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